I’m a yes girl. I am so bad at this, and I know I need to stop. Need something done? I’ll do it! If I can’t do it, I will learn how and THEN do it!! I really, really need to learn how to not be like this. However, I don’t like the feeling of letting people down. So, I take on responsibilities. I do too much. I am constantly working on something, and while I ADORE every minute of my job, the extra stuff outside of my job, I don’t necessarily need. Committee meetings and stuff for my career: necessity. I am known for saying that my life is PR, and that is the God’s honest truth. With my career, I will do all the things because doing all the things gets you to where you want to be. It’s that simple. And it’s a fact I accept and welcome with my chosen career path. I dig what I do, and I do what I dig. It’s that simple. No complaints about my job. Ever. I love it. LOVE it!!!
However “doing stuff” is not necessary. I do…stuff. Everything. I don’t know how to stop feeling like I have to DO EVERYTHING! DO ALL THE THINGS! ACK!
I have my own business with Premier Designs (which I also love). I can do that when I want and not do it when I don’t want to. Which is brilliant, really. A lot of Direct Service (ah ha! I did not say sales!) companies are not like that. So, I am blessed in that. I also am going to be teaching CCD again in the fall at church. Which is something I don’t need to do. But I will do. Because they
need asked me. I don’t know why I feel like people need me. No one needs me. Well, no, that’s not true. My children need me. My husband needs me (though I realize that sounds ridiculous, as we are adults who are pretty self-sufficient, but we do need each other). But, my cross to bear is that I don’t know how to say no to people. Shawn is notorious for commentary when I take on extra projects, but he will never tell me not to do it. Which is good in some ways. But this is bad in others: I think sometimes I need someone to tell me to knock it off. I need someone to say to me, “This is enough. Where is the time for you? Where is the time for…breathing?” And then, that person needs to MAKE ME DO NOTHING! That’s the key. That’s what I need.
My girls come first, and they always have me when needed. But I know that my other stuff takes me away from them and I hate that. I feel guilty for leaving them, and I also feel guilty for letting other people down. WHY does it matter so much to me what anyone else thinks/feels? It shouldn’t. No one ever asks me how I feel lol. Very few people give two flips, and if they do, they have a crap way of showing it sometimes. But it’s OK. Because, I don’t “need” other people to ask me how I am doing. Because I am too busy worrying about what I can do to make their lives better. Why do I run this race? Why do I turn myself inside out sometimes for other people? Why am I always so exhausted and in need of about seven extra hours a week …???
The answer is simple: it’s just who I am. Ah, yes, friends. I am a pleaser. OH the life and strife of a pleaser. I need to learn the fine art of saying no. I need to know how to not feel the insatiable need to be everywhere, to do everything. Everclear said it best when they said, “You always try to be everything to everyone.” Do you know that line runs through my head all the time? Like a weird anthem, it saturates my brain. I can’t turn it off. And then? I do something. Shawn’s favorite thing to say is that if I ever had free time, I’d just find a way to fill it up. Ugh. I don’t know why I am so afraid of…being. Just being.
I don’t think it stems back to any deep, dark past trauma. I have no recollection of someone desperately needing me and me not being there for them. And then them falling off of a cliff and dying in a fiery accident. No, no, that never happened. I could blame it on my dead grandma, but that’s silly. It would be irrational for me to believe that she “needed” me to cure her cancer at age seventeen when I could not even cure my rampant acne and boy craziness. No, she’s clear. I really don’t know where it comes from. I guess it could be just because I was never popular in school (this is not one of those bully stories, though I do have a lot of “mean girls” stories, but this is not that time). I wasn’t popular because being me wasn’t cool. I was smart. I wasn’t the most attractive banana in the grove. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but I am damn glad that the few I had that were worth keeping are still with me today, and the others who aren’t don’t need to be. I think it’s because I never felt, in my adolescence, that anyone needed me back then. But, see, that makes no sense really because I was a pleaser back in the day, too. Was it first grade? Kindergarten? Where did the madness start?
Ah, yes. Lady Gaga reminded me. I was Born This Way. I have always been this way. And, sadly, I don’t really see it ending. I do know I need to take more time for myself and my family. I need to do things that seem silly and have nothing to do with my career. Sometimes, being silly is what needs to happen. Sometimes, being still is the only thing to be. I have this quote on my fridge, and I read it every morning (and never listen to it, really). It is from Ashleigh Brilliant and it reads:
Sometimes the most urgent and vital thing you can possible do is take a complete rest.
Isn’t that brilliant (no pun intended)? Why don’t I listen to this? I’d like to meditate more. Swim. Work out. Do yoga. (hot or cold, it doesn’t matter). Write more. Something. I need to do some more things for me. Because multitasking has its place. And somehow my life has become multitasking’s place.
I need to reclaim some pieces of me, before I am stretched so thin that I can see through myself.
Because when you’re that busy, others can see right through you, too.
It would be perfect, if it were right here:
What about you? What do you do to relax? Give me advice. I obviously need it…